Comfort vs. Coping: What’s Really Behind Your Self-Care?
We hear a lot about self-care these days. Social media is filled with reminders to light a candle, run a bath, or indulge in a treat because "you deserve it." And you absolutely do. But what happens when these small acts of comfort start to feel like a way to avoid what we’re really feeling? What if, sometimes, "treating yourself" becomes a subtle form of self-avoidance?
What Is Self-Care, Really?
Self-care is about tending to your needs in a way that nourishes your overall wellbeing. It's about checking in with yourself, recognising where you're struggling, and offering yourself kindness, rest, or action in response. It can look like:
Saying no to something that drains you
Setting boundaries with people who leave you feeling depleted
Moving your body or getting outside
Going to therapy or journaling
It’s not always glamorous, and it’s not always easy. In fact, the most powerful self-care often requires honesty and courage.
And What About Self-Avoidance?
Self-avoidance, on the other hand, happens when we use comfort to distract from discomfort. It’s not bad or shameful - it's human. But when we consistently turn to food, Netflix, shopping, or scrolling instead of facing what’s going on inside, we start to distance ourselves from our emotional needs.
The difference lies in the intention: are you caring for yourself, or are you trying to avoid something painful?
When the Line Gets Blurry
Sometimes, the same action can be either self-care or self-avoidance depending on what you need in the moment. A bath can be restorative, or it can be a delay tactic. Rest can be essential, or it can be an excuse not to deal with something.
Self-care asks: "What do I really need right now?" Self-avoidance says: "I don’t want to think about this."
That’s why slowing down and checking in with yourself is so important - not to judge what you’re doing, but to understand it.
Why We Might be Avoidant
Avoidance can come from:
Feeling overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted
Fear of being vulnerable or facing hard truths
Habitual coping strategies learned in childhood
Pressure to stay busy or appear like we’re coping perfectly
Sometimes, we avoid certain emotions - not out of laziness or denial, but because deep down, we don’t yet feel safe enough to face them. Avoidance can be a protective response, a way of shielding ourselves from discomfort or overwhelm. Over time, though, it may be something worth gently exploring. With the right support, understanding what lies beneath the avoidance can lead to deeper healing and greater emotional resilience.
Moving Towards Real Growth
True self-care isn’t about always doing the "right" thing. It’s about being more connected with yourself in a way that feels grounded and kind. That might mean:
Being honest with yourself when something isn’t working
Letting yourself feel sad or anxious without pushing it away
Choosing therapy or support because you know you’re worth the investment
Growth often involves discomfort, not because you're doing something wrong, but because you're allowing yourself to face things with courage. And that’s the heart of it: self-care that brings self-understanding helps us grow, and avoidance keeps us stuck in the same patterns.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to get it perfect. The goal isn’t to cut out all forms of comfort or distraction, it’s to become more aware of what you really need and to respond to that with kindness.
You deserve support, clarity, and moments of real care. And if you're not sure where to start, therapy can be a space where you're not only accepted, but gently encouraged to know yourself more deeply. That, more than anything, is what self-care is truly about.
