The Guilt of Setting Boundaries: Why It Feels So Hard (and Why It’s Worth It)
- Normalising Discomfort -
Why Boundary-Setting Can Trigger Guilt
If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and felt that wave of guilt hit you afterwards, you’re not alone. It can be confusing, you’re doing something to protect your wellbeing, yet a part of you feels like you’ve done something wrong. For many, the moment we assert a need or say “no,” guilt rushes in. This isn’t usually about doing something wrong; it’s often about clashing with old conditioning. If you grew up being praised for putting others first, keeping the peace, or avoiding conflict, asserting your needs can feel like breaking invisible rules. And with that comes the fear of being seen as selfish, difficult, or uncaring, even when the truth is the opposite.
How Guilt Shows Up and Why This Discomfort Is Normal (and Even Healthy)
Guilt can show up in subtle but powerful ways when setting a boundary. You might feel a wave of anxiety or restlessness, as though you need to “fix” the situation you’ve just created. Sometimes this leads to over-explaining your decision in an attempt to make the other person feel better, or even to convince yourself you haven’t done anything wrong. You might feel the urge to take back what you said, just to ease the discomfort, even if that means sacrificing your own needs. For some, guilt turns into rumination, replaying the conversation in your head, wondering if you upset them, or imagining what they might be thinking about you. These feelings can be intense, but they’re often a sign that you’re simply stepping into new, unfamiliar territory, not proof that you’ve crossed a line or hurt someone.
These reactions can feel overwhelming, but they’re not a sign you’ve done something wrong, they’re a sign you’re doing something different. Guilt often appears when we step outside the patterns and roles we’ve held for years, especially if you’ve been conditioned to prioritise others’ needs above your own. Your mind and body are simply adjusting to a new way of relating, one where your energy, wellbeing, and personal limits are becoming more of a priority.
This discomfort can actually be a signal that you’re challenging old beliefs about yourself, like the idea that your worth depends on pleasing everyone or avoiding conflict. Learning to tolerate that unease is part of developing a new skill: protecting your time and emotional space without shame. By leaning into this discomfort instead of avoiding it, you’re practicing a form of self-care that allows you to show up more authentically in your relationships and live in closer alignment with your values.
The Cost of Avoiding Boundaries
Avoiding boundaries can feel easier in the short term, but over time it takes a real toll. Continually putting others’ needs ahead of your own can lead to emotional burnout, leaving you exhausted and depleted. It can also foster resentment in your relationships, a quiet frustration that grows when your limits aren’t respected or even acknowledged. When you consistently ignore your own needs, you risk losing touch with who you are and what truly matters to you. Over time, this pattern can make you feel invisible, undervalued, or overlooked, because others may not know where you truly stand or what you need.
Recognising this is how we can begin to reinforce a more positive change. Once you understand what avoiding boundaries is costing you, you can begin to make small, manageable shifts that protect your energy and wellbeing. Each time you set a boundary, even a tiny one, you’re reclaiming a little more space for you, strengthening your sense of self, and building healthier, more balanced relationships. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but that discomfort is part of growth and a sign you’re moving toward a more authentic, empowered way of living.
The Benefits of Pushing Through Guilt
When you allow yourself to move through the discomfort of guilt rather than avoiding it, the benefits ripple through many areas of your life. You begin to cultivate relationships that are grounded in mutual respect and honesty, rather than obligation or unspoken tension. Each boundary you set reinforces your self-respect and trust in your own judgement, giving you confidence in your choices. You also free up time, energy, and emotional space for the people and activities that truly matter, rather than constantly stretching yourself thin. Over time, you may notice a sense of balance returning, a reduction in resentment, less inner conflict, and a greater capacity to show up fully for both yourself and others.
Navigating the guilt that comes with setting boundaries takes practice, and it’s completely normal to feel discomfort along the way. Instead of trying to push the guilt away, the first step is simply noticing it and naming it for what it is. You can also remind yourself that boundaries are not a rejection; they protect both you and the other person in the relationship. Building confidence with boundaries often works best in small steps. Start with manageable situations, and gradually practice asserting your needs as your comfort grows. Finally, meet yourself with kindness throughout the process. Self-compassion can act as a strong counterbalance to the inner critic that often fuels guilt.
Tips for Navigating the Guilt Around Setting Boundaries
Notice and name the guilt instead of trying to erase it.
Remind yourself that boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
Practice small boundaries first to build tolerance for discomfort.
Use self-compassion as a counterweight to self-criticism.
How Therapy Can Help
Exploring the discomfort around setting boundaries in therapy can be incredibly insightful. It is a space where you can begin to uncover where these feelings have come from, whether they’re rooted in family patterns, cultural messages, or past experiences. Therapy also gives you the chance to practice tolerating discomfort without feeling pressured to “fix” it immediately. Through practicing boundary setting in a safe environment, you can experiment with asserting your needs safely and build confidence over time. Perhaps most importantly, therapy can help you reframe boundaries not as rejection, but as an act of care, for both yourself and the people you interact with.
